So, Fox decided that there wouldn’t be a new episode of House tonight, but that’s ok – I’m here to fill you in on exactly what you missed.
The episode opens in an ornate opera house. If you’re from anywhere near Princeton you’ll assume its got to be New York, but for the sake of House let’s just call it the Princeton-Plainsboro Opera House. Anyway, quick shot to the contralto belting out a few lines, sweating, looking a little sick. Cut to a shot of an unstable lighting fixture swinging precariously above her. Is she having a heart attack? Will the light fixture fall? C’mon, you’re a bright kid, you can outsmart House!
The fixture falls, glass flies everywhere, the audience gasps, but the massive stage light narrowly avoids the sweaty, corpulent singer. In the VIP boxes, an old man – presumably a donor of some sort – gasps a little harder than the others and slumps over.
I won’t spoil the details for you, but here’s the rundown. Foreman thinks he knows what’s wrong with the man. House thinks he’s wrong, but is too much of an arrogant prick to offer a real suggestion, leaving his minions to perform needless and probably painful tests on the patient.
Cuddy gets angry at one of a million of House’s wacky antics. Cut to Cameron and Chase fighting. How long til those two get a divorce anyway? They’re too pretty to be married. Thirteen leaves Foreman a voicemail. It distracts him so much that he does something wrong with the patient and misses a critical clue.
Back to the conference room. Foreman realizes the clue he missed. House chastises him. Chase isn’t paying attention because he murdered the Omar al-Bashir stand-in. House chastises him. Cameron is on the ball, but worries about the emotional stability of all the men in the room. She says so. House chastises her.
The patient deteriorates, and the team complains that they’re still missing something. But what? Is it lupus? Cancer? Wilson is called in and says it’s not cancer, which might still mean it’s cancer because he’s not as smart as House. No one is.
The patient almost dies. Three to four theories have turned out to be wrong. What could it be? A young, beautiful stranger appears. Nope, it’s not House’s delusion, it’s the patient’s maid. She’s been boffing him on the side for some time now, and turns out she’s got any manner of STDs. But now, she feels bad and wants to save him.
That’s it! He’s got a lymphosciatic melonomic case of herpes! Why didn’t we think of that sooner? Just give him some goddamn antibiotics and send him on his way to apologize and/or divorce his wife of fifty years and live the rest of his short days in Cabo with his hot maid. Everybody wins.
House is still alone and lusting for Cuddy, who’s also lusting for him but has bigger things to worry about since she seems to have lost her baby that she wanted so much. Where is that thing? Maybe Thirteen stole it when she disappeared. Cameron and Chase are still barely speaking, and Foreman is on his trajectory to become the next House.
End scene. See you next week.
Greg Palmer 