RELEASE: Statement From Jesus H. Christ on Rapture

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE — MAY 21, 2011

Dear Sinner,
If you’re reading this, it means you are not among those chosen to be Raptured today. Though we carefully considered your application in the form of prayers and donations, the response to this Rapture was overwhelming and many tough decisions had to be made. 

Because of the massive number of applications received, we are unable to personally identify what particular criteria has condemned you to Hell. Your rights under the Fair Credit Reporting Act entitle you to a free credit report based on this decision.

Should you find an error in your prayer count, credit report, FICO sinner score,  religious denomination, or donation totals, please contact us right away, and no later than October 21, 2011, as we may be able to reconsider our decision.

Even if you find all information used in our decision-making process to be accurate, we encourage you to continue praying, donating to the church, and refrain from taking the Lord’s name in vain, as you may currently be on a Waiting List for Rapture. Due to the complexity of predicting Rapture yield, we are sometimes able to Rapture you during a second round.

During the next few months, you’ll experience death and destruction on a scale unlike anything you can possibly imagine. You may be tempted to live a life of hedonism and sin, but frankly if you’re reading this, you already have, and may rest assured that you are most likely going to Hell.

Yours in Faith,
Jesus H. Christ, Savior

9 thoughts on “RELEASE: Statement From Jesus H. Christ on Rapture

    1. Rebecca,why would you call Jesus an asshole?How mean can you be?May God forgive you for such a stupid devil driven comment like that!!!

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  1. Wow, I can’t believe someone could make something up this horrible and untrue. All I can say is ill pray for you in the name of jesus christ

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  2. It’s cute and funny in a way..but in all seriousness it really should not be taken lightly.Being a sinner and not repenting or having any shame to what you do when you sin is when you will be sorry.We all sin-everyone, even the pope though he does not want to admit it.But when we are truly sorry and repent is when we are forgiven..when you lose your shame is when your misery and suffering and eventually your death will come about.What does the ‘H’ stand for ?I didn’t know Jesus had a middle name,lol!

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