FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE — MAY 21, 2011
If you’re reading this, it means you are not among those chosen to be Raptured today. Though we carefully considered your application in the form of prayers and donations, the response to this Rapture was overwhelming and many tough decisions had to be made.
Because of the massive number of applications received, we are unable to personally identify what particular criteria has condemned you to Hell. Your rights under the Fair Credit Reporting Act entitle you to a free credit report based on this decision.
Should you find an error in your prayer count, credit report, FICO sinner score, religious denomination, or donation totals, please contact us right away, and no later than October 21, 2011, as we may be able to reconsider our decision.
Even if you find all information used in our decision-making process to be accurate, we encourage you to continue praying, donating to the church, and refrain from taking the Lord’s name in vain, as you may currently be on a Waiting List for Rapture. Due to the complexity of predicting Rapture yield, we are sometimes able to Rapture you during a second round.
During the next few months, you’ll experience death and destruction on a scale unlike anything you can possibly imagine. You may be tempted to live a life of hedonism and sin, but frankly if you’re reading this, you already have, and may rest assured that you are most likely going to Hell.
Yours in Faith,
Jesus H. Christ, Savior